Wednesday, December 14, 2011

What it Feels Like to have a Panic Attack


Fire encloses my mind.
Rages in surge throughout my veins, cold as ice.
Paralyzes my bones but ignites my thoughts with fury.
Neurons fire at the speed of light, and convulsive chaos ensues in my skin.
My heart no longer pumps in vitality, but malfunctions with fervent threats of toxic bangs.
I shake and tears seep out my eyes.
Fear becomes real.
My head pounds as blood thickens and stews, sloshing around like an obscure tidal wave at it's climax, hitting the walls that contain it.
All the horrors of the world scratching at my flesh, burning me with anger.
There is no thinking straight.
There is no breath to take.
This is my panic disorder that eats at me day by day.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Time Tells

With each breath we are given, we inhale a miracle
and exhale a spec of time
Breathe in love
Breathe out hate
Breathe in now
Breathe out wait


And time....goes by....so slowly....
And time....can do..... so much.....


With each step we have taken, we gain a perception that's spherical
and lose not a dime
Step in faith
Step on doubt
Step in togetherness
Step on without


And time....goes by....so slowly....
And time....can do..... so much.....


With each hand we have held, we grasp an energy
and let go of dimness
Hold on to peace
Hold off on fear
Hold on to happiness
Hold off on tears


And time....goes by....so slowly....
And time....can do..... so much.....

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Run, As Long As It's Not Away

You say you're tired cuz your mind has been running all day
as if it just entered and won a relay
with a start and a finish in the exact same place
your thoughts are stuck running just at one pace
In circles you think, round and round again
With a beginning that is the same as its end
Your caught in a trap and your vision is me
The love that you have is all that you see
Lust is sexual but your perfectly content
holding my hand without expecting my body to be lent
You never had to learn to love me, it was innate
You always looked at me as your sole teammate
"This is nothing new" you've told me several times
that this love you have is true, there's no reason and no rhyme
So your mind continues running and in the meantime
Little do you know that your pace mirrors mine
That I too am exhausted from being stuck on you
Repeating visions that remind me exactly why I love you
So run with me even if our road is narrow
Hold my hand with each step Mr. __________.

Friday, November 11, 2011

It's Okay

It's okay to feel okay.
It's okay to cry sometimes.
It's okay to love a lot and get hurt even more.
It's okay to lose someone and not feel okay.
It's okay to laugh so hard that tears roll down your cheeks.
It's okay to be weird.
It's okay to be normal.
It's okay to be a pessimistic ass hole.
It's okay to be as positive as a new battery.
It's okay to be lonely and scared. It's okay to feel like you're on top of the world.
It's okay to get your heart broken.
It's okay to play games with someone's heart.
It's okay to feel the bitchiness of karma.
It's okay to have fears.
It's okay to play hide and seek no matter your age.
It's okay because we are human.
It's okay because this is life.  


Friday, November 4, 2011

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Open Book


Naked Truth

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Technology Today

Ingenious. Momentous. Transcending. Fuckin weird.


There are aspects that I find extremely intriguing and obviously groundbreaking, and other parts of technology that I find utterly too powerful and excessively engulfing of our “real” lives. At what point is too much? Are we creating and indulging in a new reality that may gain more power than we can even conceive? The fact that so much public information is accessible is quite scary to me. If you were curious, with the click of a button or a simple voice command to Siri, you could pinpoint my exact location and my last thought released via Twitter, Facebook, or another virtual social realm (And if you don’t know who Siri is, just Google it or look around you and anyone holding the newest IPhone will also hold the answer).

I don’t like this. To some extent, I want to preserve some sort of personal mystery that an app can’t answer.

I realize how hypocritical I am as I conveniently type this blog on my Dell laptop in an overly sized Starbucks cafĂ©, which will then be posted publicly on my blog site for the world to see. I openly admit I take advantage of technology, just as technology has taken advantage of me. As I type, I look to the left of me to find a seven-ish year old entranced in a game of Fruit Ninja on her mom’s IPhone. Seven-ish may seem extreme or not to some of you, but fun and games turns to concern for me when I am faced with the reality that some 2 year old baby knows how to work an IPad better than me. See for yourself and add a digit to his whopping 534 thousand and something You Tube views. 
---> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGMsT4qNA-c

I don’t like this. I can confidently claim that at this point, technology is too much.

I have come to terms with the fact that new technological discoveries and creations will be made at an exceedingly fast pace. This is my generation. A generation in which I struggle to quicken my every step and conform in accordance with the ever-changing newness surrounding me. If there ever is a time when I feel like I’m falling behind in adapting to the speedy developments that emerge, I need not to worry because I’m sure there will be an app created for this deficiency. For now I’ll just resort to the press of my Android’s easy button.



For other weird technology reading:
http://www.crank.net/technology.html

Unknown Shatters

My beliefs are real –

Today I am enlightened

as my vision speaks through me.

The voice of fear is a lie.


I go forth with faith.


Friday, October 28, 2011

MTV: Music Tele-What?

So I got to thinking:
Can MTV really claim its title anymore?

I mean whenever I engage in rotting my brain aka watch T.V. and flip to the MTV channel, the only thing that fills the screen are big 16 year old bellies full of embryonic fluid and dumb idiot chicks with huge poofy things on top of their heads that a confidential source has confirmed to be actual hair although is frequently mistaken as a rat's nest. Sometimes when I focus really hard, and phase out the inappropriate rants of beyond tan douche bag Guidos concerned with the arrival of automobiles, I can faintly hear background music playing. So does that mean I'm watching "music television"? Or does it mean I'm watching a reality T.V. show accompanied by a barely audible soundtrack with genius works including: Teach Me How To Dougie, some fist pump techno shit, and Britney Spears' newest blunder? I opt to argue as I prefer a little bit of coffee with my cream, similarly, MTV favors a tiny smidge of music with it's television.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Summer's Heir



Summer's heir inherits her stare, and her bright
golden glow
Deep bronze and pungent citrine pair together
and grow
Life Falls slow, the sharp air knows it's time to bid
Summer adieu
Welcome her heir, she departs with care as another season
breathes anew

Monday, October 24, 2011

egamI rorriM | Mirror Image :: Part II ::


Okay so I realize that I promised those of you who read my last blog, in this blog, a mind blowing, virtually life changing grasp of your attention with my manipulative linguistics, coercing you into conviction that the coincidences in my life are plainly, weird. I know you already think I'M weird, but let's focus on the coincidences here peeps.



So, just so I know we're all on the same page, I'll regress and word vomit on you a quick synopsis of the coincidences I've recognized to be significant in my life thus far:

  • Both myself and my roommate are 24 years of age, Caucasian female life conquerors, with an ex African American sporadically drunk (but consistently alcoholic) fiance'.

Alright, that's enough textual throw up for now, I'm sure you agree. Now, I realize these coincidences can be classified (by all you assholes who thrive on being assholes) as nothing special, just two people in the same place with some mirrored events, hence the reason why you must continue reading so I can disprove your asshole tendency of always being right and show you that you're wrong.

P.S. I am legally bound probably somewhere to throw you this fair warning: 

The subsequent events aren't just random occurrences, they're WEIRD random occurrences, and I'm not necessarily convinced they're random either. P.S.S. Despite your assumption (speaking to all the assholes again), no it is not odd or against the law to use the "post script" abbreviation in the middle of my entire piece.

And I proceed....

First Weird Event: Okay put your thinking cap on, cuz unlike a Twitter account, this may get hard to follow. Guy #1 (omitting name for protection purposes) had dated me for over 1.8 years and about .2 years before moving in with my roommate, we discontinued dating. Unbeknownst to me, in the short span that elapsed from the time Guy #1 and I broke up, to the time time that I moved in with my roommate (.2 years aka 1 month), Guy #1 and my roommate became acquainted and sort of sparked up what I like to call a "thing." Guy #1, myself, and my roommate were blissfully unaware that Guy #1's ex cuddy buddy (me) and his new shorty (my roommate) would soon be shacked up in the same dwelling. This new living situation proved very awkward to say the least for all parties. I'll let you imagine the WEIRD coincidences that ensued shortly after...

For the sake of your attention span, let's just pretend I give you like 17 more scenarios of true life crazy events in this space...

Last Weird Event: I saved the best for last (I know, so original of me) because this event is not just weird, it kind of was the pinnacle of change in my belief system. And is the very reason why I was able to distinguish myself as the asshole that I accused you of being earlier. The reason why I realized it was myself who needed to be disapproved all along, not those surrounding me. The reason why I've come to realize that the odd coincidences in my life are not just chaotic random occurrences stimulating connection and ah ha moments, but the works and will of something or someone with a greater power and knowledge than myself, many of who refer to as God. 

Please read with care:

Walking one Sunday down a street I had never been on in a town I had lived in for over 24 years, it was just another day. Accompanied by my parents, our light conversation fluttered seemingly insignificantly from one subject to the other. Considering that I haven't even thought about the items that should fall under my current grocery list, when my mother questioned what my Christmas list consisted of, you bet your bottom dollar I had a shit ton of nothing to ask for. So, I half seriously asked her to buy me a one way trip to the city of Angels. I was waiting for her and my step dad to laugh, but instead heard a quiet crunch under my footstep and suspected it to be one of those lousy surprise sticks that pop up out of no where and get satisfaction from tripping you. Anyways, my focus was directed to the pavement as I nearly tripped upon this asshole stick, and as I knelt down, to yell at the inanimate object, I soon detected that this stick wasn't really a stick at all. In awe, I carefully pinched the object's sides as if it were a tiny foreign creature I was afraid to hurt, and slowly lifted it up to show my parents what I had found, or maybe better explained, what had found me: a perfectly proportioned gold cross emblem. Both my parents were mildly stunned, and I on the other hand could feel chills tracing up my spine like a soft whisper from God, with a message that resonated:

“You may be walking down a path you’ve never been on before, but those silly involuntary sticks of life that try to bring you down, may be disguised for a reason, and only if you look hard enough, will you see it’s true form.”

After this moment, I felt that with each step I continued to take, I would always have God behind me, whispering his love, and also reminding me to stop being such an asshole.


Sunday, October 23, 2011

egamI rorriM | Mirror Image

I am amused at the ironic seemingly coincidental
occurrences in everyday life that surround me
in a realm I'd like to name "When  Coincidences
Attack." Now this realm, by my implications
may sound harmful, but it's actually quite
silly and laughable. I could count the number
of very odd similarities that magnetize myself
and others on not only my fingers and toes, but
on your appendages as well.
i.e. My current roommate has an ex fiancĂ© (just like me) who was of African American decent (just like mine) that had a hidden alcohol problem, only to arise in destructive spurts thus ending the relationship all together. We both had problematic and traumatic childhoods (well duh, who hasn't?), a shared college course that neither of us really remember the other one being in, and a thirst for stomping mountains of life into molehills. I know you're not convinced that our similar situations are unmistakably odd. Well, let me assure you, I haven't even begun to begin explaining coincidences yet. This is just my warm up. So relax, take a load off, and wait for my next blog in which I will assume (the Jungle Book snake) Kaa's  hypnotizing techniques and mesmerize your face off. The only exception will be that I'll actually use facts and words to convince you versus swirly fucked up eyeballs.




Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Hidden Truth

I’m blank but I’m still trying
Am I happy if I’m still crying?

I don’t want to think about you
It’s been months, I thought we were through

I shut you out and threw away the key
But you creek through my cracks and still haunt me

Was our fairytale not meant to be?
How do I really feel about you and me?

We were meant to be at one point in time
Then you flipped the switch so our words wouldn’t rhyme

If you were a bird then I was a bird that’s what you said
But us being one in the same, 2 birds were shot dead

Each time you brought that poison to your lips
It was my insides and my heart that it ripped

Each time you looked at my eyes with yours and lied
It melted away my trust and eroded your pride

You tore my heart out and drowned it in pain
It became heavy and was never allowed to drain

You had a grip around it and rung it out dry
It barely had a beat left inside

My intuition tugged at my soul
Begging me to leave and warning me to go

I finally woke up from my haunting nightmare
And decided to run from you despite all I cared

And now I am alone and disconnected from you
Which means I’m no longer hidden from what’s true

Saturday, September 10, 2011

New Age Music::RUREADY

Although I've put a lot of work into this project, it feels more like play time

Hope you enjoy the sounds of



Mix tape drops 9-13-11

Friday, April 22, 2011

Simple Synopsis

Let's Celebrate Earth Day


I think if I could chose to be a creature, I'd go with a penguin.
Specifically the dude in the

middle.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Play a Love Game

We play the game: too hot too cold

If you were in real estate, you’d have me sold

This ON again OFF again feelin is the only steady thing I know

It’s the UP and DOWN that hinders me to grow

But I don’t want to get off this ride

I’m the only one who I want to run from and hide

My demons got me locked down

Imprisoning me inside this merry go round

Tryin to break free from the hold

Tryin to find a middle between hot and cold

It’s not you, it’s me I say

Sound like a broken record to this day

So when will I stop, stop, stop

I’m still lookin at my clock: tick tock

Saturday, April 16, 2011

cr8 tiv recs

  I love Recs
Take out my specs
Get a better sight
So cute and bright
Strap em on my feet
Lookin fresh n sweet
I rock em day
I rock em night
Any way
they just look tight!







Monday, April 11, 2011

Uninspired

Sick of writing. Sick of lying. Tired of trying. Please stop crying. Deep inside. I hide my pride. Brain is fried. Life has died. Void still steep. Tears I weep. Richness grows cheap. Pain scars deep.

Sometimes Say Never. 7 Aint Always Lucky.

Today I was informed by a seven year old that he would be taking a picture of my buttox region. Now, in terms of appropriateness, that comment proves to be anything but endearing. Mainly because I would have liked being asked politely if I would like a photo of my glutes, rather than instructed abrasively of my butt fate. Gosh, seven year olds these days. And let's be honest here: if you're seven, take a picture of my shin, take a picture of my left elbow, perhaps even my pectorals, but please at all cost, avoid the zoom button when shooting your lens at my ass. Contrary to another seven year old Bieb's mentality, I regretfully must say "NEVER" in regards to my cheeks enduring camera capture merely for a child's photography experiment.  

Sunday, April 10, 2011

LO [I AM] VE

I always think I'm in love until I fall out
The next one is always better than the last doubt
So when does it end?
Will my straight puzzle bend?
Feel like I'm winding down a road with no cross
I look left and right and feel lost
I see no signs
It just winds and winds and winds

Accelerate when it feels wrong
Stop when it feels right
Where do I go to belong?
I look up and think of flight

My feet hold me down
My chin falls toward ground
My body melts with lethargy
Heart throbs, compressed with melancholy

It's all in my head
I make love dead
I see love red
It bleeds as I tread

Drowning in my lack of secure
Tainting the love that could be pure
No breath to escape the fear
I kill love to find the cure

Alive within my soul
My mind my sole
Exists alone in light
I'm lifted into right

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Hockin Loogies

“You’ve gotta dig deep! See watch me, Beth.” My brother demonstrated the art of loogie hocking as he inhaled his mucus, creating some sort of sickening noise that resonated from his nose.  After accumulating the correct amount of slimy material, he aimed his mouth at an invisible target in the grass and forcefully enough, his salivic matter spewed out of his throat with precision and landed in a splattering puddle in the projected area of choice.
Victory.
My loogies never amounted to much. Many attempts consisted of a clear, unsubstantial build up of spit, that would dribble slowly down my chin due to my loogie launching and forming inability. Never quite mastering the skill, I gave up early on and resorted to enthused bystander mode as my brother reveled in his art.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Earth and Heat Meet

2020
    “Mommy I’m soooo hot!”
I just imagine my daughter complaining
After just 20 minutes of play time outside
Her cheeks flushed, her energy waning
 
Temperature today:
101 degrees Fahrenheit and its only May!
 
What do I tell my precious baby doll who’s organs sizzle in this heat?
When her skin’s beat red by the sun’s rays, UVA UVB and body meet
 
What do I tell my porcelain skinned girl?
When she asks me if it was this hot when I was little in this world?
 
What do I tell her
When she asks me, “Mommy what is cancer?”
 
Test results back:
I lay in bed weak and wet with tears, broken like an egg that cracked
 
 
“But I covered her from head to toe in that white stuff we call block!!”
I yell through sobs with disbelief in pure and utter shock
 
I never could have thought playtime could be so harsh
Why my young sweet daughter?
I turn this question over and over in my head
As the air outside waits tauntingly getting hotter and hotter

Watching waiting willing-I wake up today
Worried wondering why-the sky looks so grey
Could it be more angry clouds? Condensed and cruel?
Carrying with them rain, the frenetic world’s fuel?
Ignorant Illusion I have!-That haze is not a cloud
Illuminated Intoxicated Inquiring-my realization is loud
If not a cloud than what is it? That hovering thing above?
Swirling mass of grayness that squeezes the sky, tightly like a glove?
Dark Dangerous Dread-is the answer that I have found
Damaging Dirty Daunting-they are gases created from the ground!
Leaking from cars, bikes, houses, surrounding our planet to suffocate.
We feed ourselves pollution, serving it on a daily plate.
Lingering Lurking Lasting-as an infinite circle in the sky
Literally Looping Life-enveloping humanity like a shoe tie
Yum how appetizing! Is it the main course?
This circular cluster of pollution which carries no remorse?
Everlasting Eerie Eternal-this cycle we created chugs along
Ending Everyone’s Ease-from Zimbabwe to Hong Kong
I’m not the only one who wakes up today
With the realization that our blue sky looks so grey
Watching Waiting Willing-we all open our eyes
Worried Wondering Why-as we hop into our rides-there’s no blue left in our skies
You’re Not Dreaming This Should Come As No Surprise!
 
 
 -------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 
Careless fingers clench the can filled with liquid to the top
After drinking down the tasty brown you stutter then you stop
Look left look right no garbage can in sight
Then you look down to the ground, no ones watching, right?
The drink you drank slips slowly out your hand
Pretending you don’t feel its weight as gravity pulls it to the land
* * *
Pit pit pat the sounds of life emerge
Crackle and a crack then out pops a bird
 
Helpless and wobbling with tilted equilibrium
She looks for her mother but bumps into aluminum
 
Her first sensation of life is not her mother’s breast
Glowing with inner warmth a body that’s feather dressed
 
Dead cold and flat instead the tot feels steal
Lifeless and artificial the manmade and bird congeal
 
She snuggles up to the tin can who like the Tin Man has no heart
No constant tone no beating drone just a coke purchased from Wal-Mart

Destined Blackness

Like a lost puppy, Stephen hobbled through the blackened damp night, the only sense of life being the drips of rain water streaking down his prickly cactus of a face and exploding in a splash near his tattered shoes. His grey eyes seemed stuck to the ground as he stared at nothingness and dragged his tired legs with him.
After another long day of work, Stephen’s mind continuously spun and reeled like the machine he had grown to know meticulously as a worker. The solitary voice within his head seemed to echo with a bleak hint as he thought to himself in the darkness.
“Oh wherest thy dear lady Rachael? Her golden smile twould bring my heart much needed happiness.”
Rachael was the one person who added a hint of sparkle to Stephen’s monotonous life. It was at night when the two could meet in the streets of Coketown and imagine their world free from suffocating smoke which leaked from the assembly of factories in which they worked. But it was not Rachael that night who Stephen would typically see and relish in their time spent, speaking of this fanciful fictional life.
With his head hunched over like a tired ogre, his eyes still glued to the floor below, a surge of unexpected pain rushed to the top of his balding grey haired head. His eyes bounced up immediately from the cold ground, looking up to pin point the culprit as if he could see clearly as day; but the black night prevented any chance for clear vision.
“Rachael…tis, tis thoust you?” he managed to squeeze out uncertainly, in hopes that the throbbing pain underneath his wiry hair was from blindly bumping into his lady admirer. But it was not the soft spoken Rachael who answered. Instead, a deep bellowing grunt sprang from the darkness.
            “Rayyy-chuull?” the voice sounded out her name a little too slow Stephen thought. The dark voice continued, “Rayy-chuull? No I am not Ray-chull. My creator named me Frankenstein. What is your name?”
Stephen answered blindly unafraid, ”Oh thy name tis Stephen Blackpool, but thoust can call me Stephen.” He paused for a moment only to rub his rub his throbbing head, "Tis nice t’ meet you.”
           Stephen’s sight was full of nothing but a blank slate of black, but the darkness allowed the two beings to exchange their soul's findings. Stephen was surprised to find out how similar Frankenstein was to him. Like Stephen, Frankenstein was stuck in a life which was created for him; he had no place to hide. He never knew who he was because so much of him was foreign interconnection. Both Stephen and Frankenstein were destined for darkness.